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A game I like to play is “Serial killer or secret soulmate?” Basically it’s when the game a dude is spitting at you is so perfectly creepy, you can’t tell if he’s the one you should marry or the one who will Texas chainsaw massacre you.

Slayer-Joan is one of the hottest people on OkCupid. She even has an official message from OkCupid saying as much. In addition to being gorgeous, homegirl was born with the voice that Taylor Swift Ursula’d from some unsuspecting mermaid right before she (TSwift) enjoyed some rare sushi. That’s not really relevant to this post, I just wanted that to be known.

Sometimes, she (Slayer-Joan) will send me failed attempts from those trying to court her. Look, I get it. First messages are hard. You don’t want to come off sleazy (or maybe you do) and you don’t want your message to get lost in a sea of bad grammar/spelling or empty compliments.
nycpic

That usually translates to a lot of excited sounding messages filled with capital letters and trying-to-get-your-attention absurdity. Sometimes I like to stop and think about in what context these messages would be appropriate. Here are some of my interpretations with the original message listed above just to prove I didn’t make them up. And like last time, I’m using a young Joseph Stalin as the face of the suitor.

Message One
Rookie Mistake: Putting too much in one message. Also, misusing ellipses. Although, never ellipses.
smalltalk 
smalltalka

Message Two
Rookie Mistake: Misspelling a well known celebrity’s name. And never ellipses.
will willa

Message Three
Rookie Mistake: None. Solid gold. +10 for GoT pun (still need to watch that though).
winterofdiscounttent
winterofdiscounttenta

 

Expect round two soon!
–b.d.sloane

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3 thoughts on “Serial killer or secret soulmate? Graphic messages une.

  1. Pingback: Serial killer or secret soulmate? Perfect exchange. | Snarker.

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