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Step 1: Question your skills.

Marlow: She’s trying to sext with me. She said, “Danger is my middle name, and I like being between things.” If she thinks I know how to respond to that, she is sorely mistaken.
inappropriate dancing.

Step 2: Be not sober.

me: Is she drunk?
M: I hope not, but it sounds like it. She should stick to coming on to me in person.
You know, if you drink enough wine, it taste like love.

Step 3: Go against your better judgment.

M: I want to respond with “I noticed.” I shouldn’t because It’s a conversation ender, but I just sent it.
Hey, let's hit her in the throat with a ski.

Step 4: Mimic medical professionals.

me: When I don’t know what to say, I usually go with “Oh really?”
M: So, you’re like how a therapist is with “and how does that make you feel?”
me: Basically.
Dr. Lilo, Head Shrink

Step 5: Get outside help.

me: If she hasn’t responded yet, you could say…
M: Sigh. I can’t believe I have to take sexting advice from you.
dealwithmylife

Step 6: Make it weird.

M: She just said something totally nonsensical. “So again, you’re not a casual observer.” I’m just gonna send her a picture of an alligator and say “Whoops, wrong sexting conversation.”
me: Wait, really? Why?
M: BECAUSE IM HILARIOUS.
me: Are you really though?
M: Shut up. She just replied, “Beautiful.”
Yay!

Step 7: Beastiality.

M: Now do I say “I meant to send a picture of my dick?” Because I’m about to do that.
me: Yes.
M: She responded with a picture of a dog
me: No words?
M: No. I have no idea what’s going on.
me: Send her a knock knock joke.
M: I said, “WTF you sick bastard. DICK NOT DOG.” She said, “I was sending you a picture of my bitch.” The bestiality road has opened.
Yessss.
 

Step 8: Kill the mood too soon.

M:  She just ended it with “What are you up to?”
me: Send her a daisy and say you’re taking pictures of your flower.
M: No. I said I was laughing because the conversation is ridiculous. T
he intense moment has ended.
m: It was good though.
M: It could have been so much better.
meh

Sexting is weird.

–b.d.sloane

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