This is a follow up to Velvet’s nonversation with her internet crush.
me: WHAT? WHAT?
V: My friend made me text the boy all the realtalk.
me: !!! What did you text him?
V: I wrote: Listen, realtalk, I don’t know what you want. I told you I liked you and you basically ignored it. You talk about all these girls you like and while I was cool being your bro, I’m over it.
He immediately replied: I’m sorry. I thought I was just an internet crush.
I responded: I don’t want a field of flowers and us twirling about. I just like you in the sense that I want to bone and am tired of hearing about your dating woes when we could just get down. The end.
me: HOLY SHIT!
V: He just texted: I like you in the sense that I’d like to bone as well, but I’m overly cautious. OMG! OMG! OMG! He’s on Gchat!
TheBoy: Hey, I did want to invite you in on Saturday night
V: I thought you might but I was not in the mood for making moves.
V: Especially because I’ve been blunt.
TheBoy: There was the long conversation about your exboyf.
TheBoy: That is what gave me pause.
V: I recognize that. I figured the ride was my “move.”
V: Though I’d offer any friend a ride. I wasn’t particularly filled with ulterior motives because that’s serial killer level.
TheBoy: I’m bad at reading signals (as evidenced by my general obliviousness to your more blunt statements).
V: Haha, I recognize you live in D.C., and I’m not looking to boyf you or whatever. I’m just like attracted to you for god knows what reason and wanted to get it in.
V: That is all.
TheBoy: That’s an eloquent way to put it.
V: I’m a woman of realtalk.
TheBoy: If I may be allowed to be blunt, I am open to boning next time.
V: Cool, I was just getting massively annoyed. I know I was talking about other dudes too, but I was just like I LOOK MASSIVELY CUTE TODAY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
TheBoy: God, I just wanted you.
V: We suck.
TheBoy: We do, but look we’ve gotten clarity. I need to go to Philly this month for a dentist appointment. (I get my teeth cleaned for free by a friend.) If you wanted to meet up, I can schedule that for a weekend that would be practical for you.
V: My finals are soon, but I can take a study break.
TheBoy: So does April work for you then?
Velvet is literally the only person I know who has ever defeated the friendzone. But him fitting her in with getting his teeth cleaned? I guess that’s sexy?