Tonight’s edition: My dear friend, Aeorwyn, comes to me for medical advice at 1:16 a.m about her ubera scabrosus.
me: Hahaha, have you tried lotion?
me: Free boobing it?
me: Washing it? HAVE YOU WASHED YOUR BOOB?
me: Tickle it with a feather? I totally get that sometimes, too, but usually its just a feather stuck in my bra. I assume the feathers come from my bedspread, but who knows?
A: …no. What? Anyway, it’s been bothering me on and off for awhile, but it’s never felt this bad. Scratching only makes it worse. I need like calamine lotion.
me: Ooooo, how about a cucumber?
A: To do what? Cool it?
me: I mean it does have cooling abilities, right? Cool as a cucumber. That’s totally a thing.
A: But then I have to leave my bed and go downstairs to slice a cucumber. OH, I HAVE THOSE “SAY YES TO CUCUMBERS” REFRESHING CLOTHS. LET ME TRY THOSE.
A: My boob is less itchy now. I think the lotion is finally working.
me: BECAUSE OF THE CUCUMBER?
A: I didnt use the cucumber, it’s too far away. I dont want to leave my bed.
A: I got the cucumber wipes. Good call, Sloane. Good call.
me: I know. Just call me the boob whisperer.