I want to play a game. It’s called “Am I disgusting?” (Hint: The answer should always be yes.)
Tonight’s edition: My dear friend, Aeorwyn, comes to me for medical advice at 1:16 a.m about her ubera scabrosus.
Aeorwyn: Sloane!
me: What?
A: My boob is so itchy and dry. I cant handle it. I’ve scratched so much it’s turning raw and will probably scab over. My boob is going to become one giant scab that will still be itchy.
me: Hahaha, have you tried lotion?
A: Yes.
me: Free boobing it?
A: Yes,
me: Washing it? HAVE YOU WASHED YOUR BOOB?
A: Yes, I am doing all of those things, Sloane. ALL!
me: Tickle it with a feather? I totally get that sometimes, too, but usually its just a feather stuck in my bra. I assume the feathers come from my bedspread, but who knows?
A: …no. What? Anyway, it’s been bothering me on and off for awhile, but it’s never felt this bad. Scratching only makes it worse. I need like calamine lotion.
me: Ooooo, how about a cucumber?
A: To do what? Cool it?
me: I mean it does have cooling abilities, right? Cool as a cucumber. That’s totally a thing.
A: But then I have to leave my bed and go downstairs to slice a cucumber. OH, I HAVE THOSE “SAY YES TO CUCUMBERS” REFRESHING CLOTHS. LET ME TRY THOSE.
me: #winning.
A: My boob is less itchy now. I think the lotion is finally working.
me: BECAUSE OF THE CUCUMBER?
A: I didnt use the cucumber, it’s too far away. I dont want to leave my bed.
me: THERE’S BOUT TO BE A WHAT? BOOB FIGHT!
A: I got the cucumber wipes. Good call, Sloane. Good call.
me: I know. Just call me the boob whisperer.
–b.d.sloane
Snarker. 