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I want to play a game. It’s called “Am I disgusting?” (Hint: The answer should always be yes.)
You are disgusting.

Tonight’s edition: My dear friend, Aeorwyn, comes to me for medical advice at 1:16 a.m about her ubera scabrosus.

Aeorwyn: Sloane!

me: What?

A: My boob is so itchy and dry. I cant handle it. I’ve scratched so much it’s turning raw and will probably scab over. My boob is going to become one giant scab that will still be itchy.
Ew.

me: Hahaha, have you tried lotion?

A: Yes.

me: Free boobing it?

A: Yes,

me: Washing it? HAVE YOU WASHED YOUR BOOB?

A: Yes, I am doing all of those things, Sloane. ALL!
I've tried everything.

me: Tickle it with a feather? I totally get that sometimes, too, but usually its just a feather stuck in my bra. I assume the feathers come from my bedspread, but who knows?

A: …no. What? Anyway, it’s been bothering me on and off for awhile, but it’s never felt this bad. Scratching only makes it worse. I need like calamine lotion.

me: Ooooo, how about a cucumber?

A: To do what? Cool it?

me: I mean it does have cooling abilities, right? Cool as a cucumber. That’s totally a thing.

A: But then I have to leave my bed and go downstairs to slice a cucumber. OH, I HAVE THOSE “SAY YES TO CUCUMBERS” REFRESHING CLOTHS. LET ME TRY THOSE.

me: #winning.

A: My boob is less itchy now. I think the lotion is finally working.

me: BECAUSE OF THE CUCUMBER?

A: I didnt use the cucumber, it’s too far away. I dont want to leave my bed.

me: THERE’S BOUT TO BE A WHAT? BOOB FIGHT!
Two girls hitting each other's boobs.

A: I got the cucumber wipes. Good call, Sloane. Good call.

me: I know. Just call me the boob whisperer.

–b.d.sloane

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