I want to play a game. It’s called “Am I disgusting?” (Hint: The answer should always be yes.)
Tonight’s edition: It was 11:01 p.m. and I was hungry. Normally in these situations I make a sandwich or a quesadilla. However, two days ago I had to chuck an entire loaf of bread because it was moldy. My roommate says it was because I didn’t keep it in the fridge, but I didn’t keep the last loaf in the fridge and that was fine. Her rebuttal was that I ate it faster, but we’ll agree to disagree. I can’t make a quesadilla because I only have one tortilla left, which means the grocery store either gypped me out of one or gave me an extra one and honestly, that mental debate just gives me a headache. I also can’t eat cereal because my milk went bad.
So here are my options:
1. Cook pasta (no)
2. Microwave ramen (no)
3. Make an open-faced quesadilla (no)
4. Pour myself a bowl of pretzels (not honey mustard), add a glob of peanut butter and top it off with honey and eat it with a spoon like it’s cereal (yes)
Tonight’s judges are Aeorwyn, Darwin, Mordecai, Novara, Pierre and Velvet.
me: I’m so gross.
A: That’s ok #foulbachelorettefrog.
me: I’m eating pretzels swimming in peanut butter as the milk topped with honey.
A: That doesnt sound gross…unless the pretzels are honey mustard flavored.
me: Ew, no. I’m not Jughead. …also, this is my dinner. I’m disgusting.
A: Two days ago, I had a bag of beef jerky, 3 Special K Pastry Crisp Packs, and a Diet Dr. Pepper for dinner. I think you’re ok.
me: Hahahaha, but you live at home! Where is your mother?
A: I wasn’t home? Also, maybe that was lunch. It’s possible that was lunch.
Judgment: Not disgusting (enough).
me: Is this disgusting? For dinner I just ate a bowl of pretzels with a glob of peanut butter and some honey.
D: Eh, that’s not bad, carbs and protein, haha.
me: Really? You’re cosigning this?
D: No, I am in no position of authority on this issue.
Judgment: Not disgusting (but what do I know?).
me: Yo, for dinner, I just ate a bowl of pretzels with a glob of peanut butter and some honey with a spoon. Gross or ok?
M: It doesn’t sound particularly delicious.
me: It was normal pretzels, not like honey mustard.
M: It’s not gross, but just weird. Why not chow down on something delicious if you’re gonna snack?
me: A) That was dinner. B) The other option was to cook, which meh or C) Make a sandwich but my bread was moldy. What sort of delicious snacks would you recommend?
M: Freezer pizza, freezer Chinese food, freezer meat loaf, milk and Oreo cakesters, kettle cooked chips, candy, cereal.
me: So, I have none of those freezer foods, except vegetarian meat substitutes because I accidentally became vegetarianish.
M: You should get pretzel bites with peanut butter inside, I keep a huge jar at work, they’re delicious.
me: Pretzel bites! What? That sounds good. Also, what is an Oreo cakester? Is that like Hostess?
M: Nope, they’re made by Oreo, and they’re fantastic. You’re missing out.
Judgment: Not disgusting (just get better and less weird snacks).
me: Guess what im eating?
N: French toast?
me: A bowl of pretzels swimming in peanut butter and drizzled with honey. It’s like cereal.
N: Oooh, that sounds good!
me: I figure it’s healthyish.
Judgment: Not disgusting (and not totally terrible).
me: Have I hit a new low?
P: I don’t know.
me: I’m eating a bowl of pretzels with a glob of peanut butter and some honey. I ate it with a spoon like it was cereal. Gross or no?
P: Actually, that sounds not too bad. I mean, it’s unorthodox for sure, but you basically made honey wheat pretzel/peanut butter combos. That’s a thing, so, no, not gross.
Judgment: (So, no,) Not disgusting.
Score: Either I’m not disgusting or my friends are just as gross as me, which basically just means that I win.